At some point or another, most people will ask themselves what counts as sex. Is it oral? Anything past third base? Are you a virgin if you’ve only done ___? Can we really even define it for everyone?
And the answer is no, we can’t. I can’t even define it for myself all of the time. People are too focused on definitions and labels, and that’s what holds too many of us back. What defines sex- and it’s level of “seriousness”- is you and only you. The easiest way to explain this is to take a step back and equate this to kissing. You can kiss your best friend on the cheek, or you can kiss your lover on the lips. It’s the same motion and it’s still you that’s doing the action. So what makes it different?
I’ve kissed a lot of people in my day, and yet, every single kiss I share is unique. Every first kiss is different, as well as every not-so-first kiss. Every kiss hello and every kiss goodbye isn’t the same as the others. I’ve had kisses that have meant the world, and kisses which meant next to nothing. As we grow older and run out of new experiences, the idea takes over that everything is suddenly repetitive and meaningless (cue the age-old idea that if you have sex with a lot of people it is somehow “devalued”). But this idea is wrong; everything can have meaning if you want it to. The only thing that changes from how much you do something is how experienced you are- and that’s not a bad thing when it comes to this stuff!
The idea of sex positivity, to me, includes realizing that having more or less sex doesn’t determine the value of it. What determines the value is the situation you’re in and above all else, you. You can have light-hearted, non-romantic sex one day, and the next day sex can be a “gift” to give to someone you love with all your heart, without the slightest tinge of hypocrisy. You are the only one who decides if it’s ok to do the things (and people) that you want to do.
I want to have one overarching message, and that is to be sex and body positive. Love yourself to the best of your ability and be with those who will, too. Be smart and safe, and have lots of sex- good sex (time is too valuable to be wasted on bad sex! Speak up and say what you do and don’t like. You’ll be happy you did!)- or have no sex at all. Date people you want to date and hook up with people you want to hook up with. Do what will make you happy unabashedly and don’t let other people’s beliefs shape your behavior. Life is too short to not do the things that make you happy!
In Matter of Love, Sex, and Nails- GET NASTY!
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